Shepherd Neame - Amber ale 4%

Taste: dishwater. Stinging. Some discomfort. And instant headache. Not bad!

Appearance: copper in tone

Would you buy 2? At 99p a bottle, can you afford not to?

Would you buy 4? Don't push it.

Rating (out of 7): 2* tasteless. Shepherd neame's dirty little secret.

Location:Victoria Rise,Lambeth,United Kingdom

Greene King - Suffolk Springer 6.0%

Taste: toffee. Caramel. Delish!

Appearance: dark. Real dark. Strange huh?

Would you buy 2? Oh baby. Id take two home

Would you buy 4? Hmmm my mouth would get gummed up.

Rating (out of 7): 5* yummers!

Palmers - Dorset Gold 4.5%

Taste: like sucking a sweet Christmas toffee. Only secretly, after Christmas. You found it down the back of the sofa. Also stings like a nettle.

Appearance: tizer. And gold.

Would you buy 2? Yeah I'm running at the bar!

Would you buy 4? I really can't see why not!?

Rating (out of 7): 5***** it's pretty tasty.

Location:Lyndhurst,United Kingdom

The Kernel Brewery - Porter 6.8%

Taste: creamy smooth. Nice and strong. Like a coffee liquor. Like the sweets you get with booze in them, shaped like bottles at Xmas and new year. Mmmm so wintery. Liquorice. Like black gold!

Appearance: coal soap.

Would you buy 2? Yes!!! Yes!!! Yeahhh goooo ddd

Would you buy 4? Pricey.... If I was Turkish prince.

Rating (out of 7): 6****** you could really make a meal of this!

Location:Godliman St,City of London,United Kingdom

The Great Divide - Hades 7.8%

Taste: tastes so light! Tastes empty after drinking stouts all day. Deceptively light for an 8 percenter. A faint whiff of the continent. Like a wet weekend in Brussels.

Appearance: Honey.

Would you buy 2? Nah

Would you buy 4? No

Rating (out of 7): 4**** I like the brewer so I'm biased

Location:Godliman St,City of London,United Kingdom

Hofbrau - Oktoberfestbier 5.7%

Taste: Oooh, I'm not sure. Mei said "that's a lager". Is this what we've become? I think we should get apocalyptic on it. Socks! Bad fish although it doesn't taste like fish. I told you stank of alcohol... Arms like tentacles. I love you pudding. This isn't ale!

Appearance: fizzy. Like Satan.

Would you buy 2?: facial expressions suggest no.

Would you buy 4?: I don't think I would.... Not for an ale review.

Rating: 2. There's a taste to it you don't really need.

Location:Yes

Ringwood - XXXX Porter Winter Ale 4.7%

Taste: life's too short to write the same thing again. / tastes good. I'm on par with the original review. Yummers!

Appearance: yes / black

Would you buy 2?: blah blah of course / I can't at this stage. But I appreciate it's complexities.

Would you buy 4?: do it! / In january? That's madness!

Rating: 5 I concur!

Original review accidentally deleted, new review even better / third review conducted in brockenhurst. New forest.

Location:Cardiff,United Kingdom

Tomos Watkin's - Cwrw Gaeaf 4.7%

Taste: euughhh. Foul. Trying to disguise dirt with chlorine. Licking a sportman's armpit. The end of pleasure. Ground excrement with sock water.

Appearance: Leaking batteries.

Would you buy 2? No way. Actually I'm getting used to it.....

Would you buy 4? Yeah.... Stupid fans.

Rating (out of 7): 2 (goes alright after while)

Location:Clos Dewi Saint,Riverside,United Kingdom

Breconshire Brewery - Gifthorse 3.8%

Taste: smooth and bitter like a thick cream upon my Tongue. Jazzy chestnuts.

Appearance: ethereal creamflow.

Would you buy 2? Already have.

Would you buy 4? Well......

Rating (out of 7): 4
I like it.

Location:Mochyn Du

Breconshire Brewery - Baa Humbug 5%

Taste: seaweed. Egg gas. Uncooked root veg.

Appearance: baked bean glow.

Would you buy 2? In a relaxed mood.

Would you buy 4? Bit weird.

Rating (out of 7): 4* generous

Location:Clos Dewi Saint,Riverside,United Kingdom