Brodie's - Superior London Porter 10%

Taste: Whoa! Smells like epoxy glue, or grout. Strong. It's good that it's bold, I'm not into strong beers with a watery quality, you just end up gulping for a flavour. Tastes sweet, thick and alcoholic. Describing it as 'superglue coated coals, dunked into a molasses malt vat' may not sound too appealing, but it's really, really good! I could sip on this all night long. It's even slightly fruity... I think... I'm drunk.

Appearance: Proper black. Like olden times. The label is really old timey London somehow.

Would you buy 2? I'm watching Neil Young's Silver & Gold concert. He's sat at the piano, playing Philadelphia, it's amazing... What? Two? Yes!

Would you buy 4? I will be buying four, eventually. I don't think I'd manage more than two in an evening though, due to the strength.

Rating (out of 7): 6****** Goodness gracious me! That's some fine Porter!

Magic Rock Brewing - Rapture 4.6%

Taste: Nice! Smells of Cherry and Hops. Reminiscent of some sort of delicious pie. Very hoppy, it's a surprisingly strong taste for not that heavy a beer. It's like walking though a pine forest on a hot day, all the sap is dripping from the buds into your hair and mouth. Soon, the ants will be there...

Appearance: Artwork reminds me of Pete Fowler's work. Nice coloured brown too. I like that the bottle blurb has promised to "take me to heaven and back". And on the front, the odd saying from those T-Shirts from Thailand; 'Same Same but different' (kind of).

Would you buy 2? Yes! I think this has to be one of the tastiest ales in the ABV to flavour ratio!

Would you buy 4? Things are looking up for our livers. Hooray!

Rating (out of 7): 6****** A high accolade!

Hogs Back Brewery - England's Glory 4.6%

Taste: Sadly, it's often the case that St. George's flag is the symbol of a boring tasteless ale. However, here I find flavour in spades! Reminiscent of freshly cut grass and creme brûlée. Orangina orange notes. This is really easy drinking with heaps of taste.

Appearance: 70's brown glass ornaments.

Would you buy 2? I certainly would. A treat!

Would you buy 4? I really think you could drink a lot of these!

Rating (out of 7): 6****** the best hogs back beer I've tasted.

Location:Rosenau Rd,Wandsworth,United Kingdom

Sierra Nevada - Summerfest 5%

Taste: alas.... Largery. One hell of an aftertaste. Great with olives. Expensive though. Good lord!

Appearance: yellow. Fizzy.

Would you buy 2? Two halves, yes!

Would you buy 4? I'm not made of money!

Rating (out of 7): 4**** not worth £7 a pint. But nice.

Location:Broomwood Rd,Wandsworth,United Kingdom

Old Dairy Brewery - Silver Top 4.5%

Taste: mmm milk and blood!!! It's a smooth coffee and cream fest! Love it!

Appearance: black as the night. With a White night cap.

Would you buy 2? Have done!

Would you buy 4? Yes. On a Sunday, with a roast.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** creamy!

Location:Northcote Rd,Wandsworth,United Kingdom

Marlow Brewery - Rebellion Smuggler 4.1%

Taste: smooth delicious cream fest. It brings out my rebellious side. So Wildly drinkable!!! Would go wonderfully with a pickled egg. Due to the pasture like nature of the ale.

Appearance: mahogany, coal shead

Would you buy 2? Yes!! There is no question.

Would you buy 4? Not today. There are other ales to devour.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** yes!

Location:Northcote Rd,Wandsworth,United Kingdom

Shepherd Neame - Celebration Ale 4%

Taste: a bicuity, caroby, garaboldi plum cookie, but there ain't no plum.

Appearance: Golden retriever/red setter

Would You Buy 2? Yes, yes I would.

Would You Buy 4? No, it's too rich.

Rating (Out of 7)? 5***** generally, I like it

Location:Goodenough Rd,Merton,United Kingdom

Dark Star - Sunburst 4.8%

Taste: oh mamma! This is nice! Hopscotch !! It's a fruitbag.

Appearance: looks brown.

Would you buy 2? yes. Exactly 2.

Would you buy 4?: exactly 2!

Rating: 4****

Butcombe - Bitter 4.5%

Taste: Ha ha! Butt Combe! Ha! Oh dude! Real nice. Perfect balance. Taste hangs and then leaves in total harmony. I must drink on!

Appearance: It's night and I'm bottle slammin'. I think it's brown.

Would you buy 2?: Yes. I really think I want to!

Would you buy 4?: YES! I'd drink for on the bounce!

Rating: 5***** Great ale! Drink some into your stomach.

Location:London,United Kingdom

St Austell Brewery - HSD 5%

Taste: a nice compliment to the luxury nut tray that was just presented. Still its savagely boring. Help me ale gods. I'm usually a lover of St. Austell. Especially proper job.

Appearance: bottle with label. Unsure of beer.

Would you buy 2? Sorry, no!

Would you buy 4? I can't. Leave me alone.

Rating (out of 7): 2** sorry Cornwall.

Location:London,United Kingdom

Meantime Brewery - London Porter 6.5%

Taste: Red blood river! Man, this aftertaste comes back and hits you in the chops like Crocodile Dundee's boomerang! It's a hard, full pumped ale.

Appearance: Red like dinosaurs blood.

Would you buy 2?: No, too heavy for me.

Would you buy 4?: I said no!

Rating: 4**** Heavy but still really nice.

Oakham - Cambridgeshire Summer Ale 4.2%

Taste: It's actually quite watery. But it's still nice. Is that normal? It's a real easy drink, just flys right now. It's a grower!

Appearance: Always tough when slammin' ale from a bottle. I think it's brownish?

Would you buy 2?: Yep!

Would you buy 4?: No. There's more ales to try and the night is young.

Rating: 4****

Location:London,United Kingdom

Hogs Back Brewery - Hop Garden Gold 4.6%

Taste: bleurgh! It's okay. Oh god, after you've a lot of ale, you need something really outstanding to please your palette. This is standard tangy faire. Hoppy, but too plastic.

Appearance: bottle with label.

Would you buy 2? No thanks.

Would you buy 4. NO!!!!

Rating (out of 7): 2** disappointment of the century

Location:London,United Kingdom

Wyre Piddle Brewery - Piddle In The Hole 3.9%

Taste: Puddle water, too fizzy

Appearance: rich, deceptive, tastes a bit like a shandy bass

Would You Buy 2? nah

Would You Buy 4? As if

Rating (Out of 7)? 3

Moosehead - Pale Ale 5%

Taste: of all of the continents I've travelled tonight, this has to be the least enjoyable. Sorry, Canada. Taste of moose antler and hoof. With malt overtones.

Appearance: moosey.

Would you buy 2? Not in this life.

Would you buy 4? I couldn't.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** to confusing to be enjoyable.

Location:London,United Kingdom

Speight's - Gold Medal Ale 4%

Taste: Wow! Melthair are really travelling this bank holiday! This new Zealand effort has got a fish and chips vibe. Quite fruity too.

Appearance: sixties level 42

Would you buy 2? Yeah! Come all ye faithfully.

Would you buy 4? Nope. Too many!

Rating (out of 7): 4****

Location:Dundonald Rd,Merton,United Kingdom

Otter Brewery - Otter Bright 4.3%

Taste: Otters! This tastes really nice! Smooth and pure, quite flat but in a good way.

Appearance: Touch of brown and yellow. Coloured water?

Would you buy 2?: Yes, I think I really would.

Would you buy 4?: No. I can't see me doing four on the bounce.

Rating: 4****

Location:London,United Kingdom

Sierra Nevada - Pale Ale 5.6%

Taste: bitter Neil Young juice!!! Orangey and Malty.

Appearance: GreAt artwork. But can't see liquid. Hey man... I'm mellow.

Would you buy 2? Yes. Great starter ale.

Would you buy 4? If I see Neil young drinking another one I will.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** pleasure town

Location:Dundonald Rd,Merton,United Kingdom

Brakspear - Triple 7.2%

Taste: SO thick! The consistance in the mouth is like petrol (without the taste). I'm getting big marzipan hits. Huge ones, fizzing out to some sort of banana milkshake. Its a deep flavour, it keeps coming! A delicious cake of an ale.

Appearance: Conker Battle Brown. Nice individually numbered bottle. You can go online to the internets and find out when your beer was born! Ahhhhhh Cute.

Would you buy 2? I could comfortably sink two of these bad boys around a campfire.

Would you buy 4? Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Summer's not even over yet. Ask me again in the Winter.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** Sweetly Alcoholic Pleasure Juice.

Peak Ales - Swift Nick 3.8%

Taste: A twangy disappointment followed by a burnt seed pleasure. Actually the disappointment is recurring. Oh no, actually it's growing on me again.

Appearance: Roasted chocolate beans

Would you buy 2? No, there are other, more delicious, ales available.

Would you buy 4? No, I've already said that there's better ones available.

Rating (out of 7): 4 **** Could be better but it doesn't matter.

Hornbeam Beers - Lemon Blossom 3.7%

Taste: The interesting thing is that the first taste you get is flowery, but the after taste is not. Reminds me of elderflowers. The initial hit of flowers, but then the hops come in! I think there's some blossom. I don't actually mind it, quite bizarre.

Appearance: Looks like a tester. Not very lemony. Slightly girly. It's foam leaves a batty outline.

Would you buy 2? Yes, for the uniqueness and the smell

Would you buy 4? It wouldn't be unique any more, No.

Rating (out of 7): 5 ***** A unique beer, well worth a pint. Worth the train we just missed.

St Austell Brewery - Trelawny 3.8%

Taste: Smells like a toffee-peach, remember, from those fairgrounds from your childhood, but the taste is lighter, filled with less emotion, but just as much fun. This is basically an ale for boozers who need a drink of water but can't stand to bring their lips to the H2O. I dub thee 'Barley Water'.

Appearance: Quite orange. Orangutan.

Would you buy 2? Okay. It wouldn't be hard.

Would you buy 4? I'd have to be pretty thirsty. I'd otherwise get bored.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** A splash in the pond.

Bradfield Brewery - Farmers Blonde 4.0%

Taste: What a fresh juicy pasture is to a spring lamb. But also slightly non-descript.

Appearance: Frothy apple juice on a summer morning.

Would you buy 2? I would

Would you buy 4? No, because of the non-descript flavour I'd be looking for an improved ale.

Rating (out of 7): 5 ***** Delicious, or non-descript? Mental exhaustion may have blotted out senses.

St Austell Brewery - Cornish Bock 6.5%

Taste: A lager with flavour! Breaded toffees and malt. Light and a little fizzy. It's actually really delicious. The best lager I've had since Skinners (also of Cornwall).

Appearance: Good Bock smashing through the label. He's so angry, obviously a 'yellow' drinker... Beer is orange.

Would you buy 2? Yes. If I was in a lager mood. Perhaps after work on a Friday whilst I dance to Off The Wall.

Would you buy 4? After Off The Wall, I usually pop on Thriller. So I might need four.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** The worlds most delicious lager?

Kaiserbass - Saws Mwnci 4%-ish

Taste: It's so good I can't remember. Horsey. Still, but full of life. Puts hair on your lips. A bountiful delivery of pleasure.


Appearance: Mmm...brown?


Would you buy 2? Yes


Would you buy 4? Yes... I'd buy 8.


Rating (out of 7): 5*****

Green Man Ales - Growler 5.5%

Taste: Hoppy, flowery, chocolaty, nothing.

Appearance: Normal, dark, brown water. Cholera in a glass.

Would you buy 2? I may have to.

Would you buy 4? Only on a stag do.

Rating (out of 7): 2

Evan Evans - Organic Gold 4.3%

Taste: Doesn't taste of much. Where's the jazz? Can't tell the difference between ale and rain water.

Appearance: Golden syrup

Would you buy 2? Only during a riot

Would you buy 4? To start a riot

Rating (out of 7): 2

The Kernel Brewery - India Pale Ale Black 6.9%

Taste: Steak and ale pie stuffed with hops. Yoghurt and Coffee... It's hoppy, but has a stout-like smoothness, is what I am trying to say... A lot of black ales taste watery, like they are afraid of flavour, but this ale is brave like the wolf or Cherokee. Nice.

Appearance: Cold coffee. Postman Pat-parcel bottle.

Would you buy 2? I've consumed many. It's a delicious winter warmer and almost half the strength of it's paler twin it's no worse for it.

Would you buy 4? Why not. This is tasty and interesting.

Rating (out of 7): 6****** God that's good. I could drink this all the time.

The Kernel Brewery - India Pale Ale 100 Centennial 10.1%

Taste: Wow! Alcoholic. Thick, Hoppy with a dry tang. Peach cobbler overtones with a dandelion stalk bite. This is a nice sippin' beer.

Appearance: Golden treacle.

Would you buy 2? If I could afford to...

Would you buy 4? I've just found £20. So yes! But, I'd be crazy to drink them in one go.

Rating (out of 7): 6****** I'm liking this. I'm drunk after a quarter bottle though.

Shepherd Neame - 4-4-2. 4%

Taste: Chemicals between us! Fizzy. Great for cracking skulls after your favourite footballing team loses. The fizziness shields the taste. Lost in space... The taste is lost in space.

Appearance: Washed out yellow.

Would you buy 2?: Not a chance ref!

Would you buy 4?: Red card! You're off mate!

Rating: 2** Game called off on the account of awful ale.

Location:Sandbanks, Dorset

Wooden Hand Brewery - Cornish Mutiny 4.8%

Taste: Wow! She's deep. Freaky malt party! Taste comes, parties, then gets the hell out of town.

Appearance: Water in a tunnel. Brown.

Would you buy 2?: Sure. Are you buying?

Would you buy 4?: I'd take 4. Please can I have them now?

Rating: 5***** Pirate ale! This has been really nice.

Location:Sandbanks

Thwaites (Co-Op) - Organic Ale 5%

Taste: So sweet. Hoppy. Slight homebrew vibe. I'm imagining juicy raisins and unripe apples for some reason. Metallic aftertaste like a steel spoon in your mouth. Feel like it might kick start a hangover by passing all pleasure.

Appearance: orange/brown hybrid. Neither orange, nor brown - a concise mix of the two

Would you buy 2? In desperate times, but not in my immediate plans.

Would you buy 4? Not tempted to be honest.

Rating (out of 7): * * *- fine, but there's just something I'm just not sure about.

Co Op - Bumble Bee Honey Ale 4.6%

Taste: Supermarket's own brand ale? Surely dangerous territory! This is... inoffensive. There's a slight 9v battery burn which vanishes and .... well that seems to be it. Refreshing but no sign of the honeybees. Not much going on here.

Appearance: Transparent mustard yellow

Would you buy 2? Not today, my inspiration levels are low because of this ale.

Would you buy 4? I can't imagine a situation where this would be necessary.

Rating (out of 7): * * * - Not undrinkable, just bland.

Piddle Brewey - Jimmy Riddle 3.9%

Taste: Pine Cabinet. Veggimite edge. Yeasty nose. It's slipping down quickly! A buoyancy aid in a sea of M3 Traffic.

Appearance: polished redwood.

Would you buy 2? I'd move on to the next piddle beer.

Would you buy 4? Hang on. I'm hooked. I wouldn't buy 2 but I would buy four. That's never happened before.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** an above average effort.

Location:Laburnum Close,Ferndown,United Kingdom

TSA Brewery - Double Expresso 4.8%

(sorry - all sorts of photography problems. Please accept this artistic rendition of a half drunk pint of 'Double Expresso'.)

Taste: Hollow. No coffee here, only stale beer mats. "Awful" my colleague adds. A little harsh maybe. However, if you were thrown into an iron age bog and you opened your mouth gasping for air, this would be the taste you experience. This springs to mind... www.britishmuseum.org/explore/highlights/highlight_objects/pe_prb/l/lindow_man.aspx.
Imagine the taste...

Appearance: Flat coke

Would you buy 2? No

Would you buy 4? No

Rating (out of 7): * * - Let's not mess about, it's a 2. No more please.

Untapped Brewing Co - Crystal 6%

Taste: Bumblegum. Horse chestnuts. Wheaty. Oh yes, wheaty. Horse radish throat burn. Herby fizz. Refreshing and interesting. A bit German if you know what I mean.

Appearance: Cloudy grapefruit. A little uncomfortable to be honest.

Would you buy 2? Mmmm. OK. Yeah.

Would you buy 4? I just can't decide. Actually, yes. Yes!

Rating (out of 7): * * * * * One of those ales thats hard to pin down

Victory - Hop Devil Ale 6.7%

Taste: Caramel hop party! Smells like creosote on first taste, but that dissipates very quickly. It tastes a little like vanilla yoghurt and grapefruit too. It's deep! It's taking me on a trip to Downington, Pennsylvania and I want to stay the whole week.

Appearance: I think a ghost escaped the bottle when I popped the lid. Aside from ruining the illusion by saying hop devils are mythical, the artwork is cool.

Would you buy 2? I really would. I'd also like to try Victory's other beers too.

Would you buy 4? Not in a row. But it's bound to happen.

Rating (out of 7): 6****** It's a taste explosion! U S A ! .... U S A !

Brakspear - Oxford Gold 4.6%

Taste: Oh man! Now this is good ale. 'Organic' is plastered on everything these days but It really pays off with ale. This is smooth, clean and clearly filled with zesty goodness!

Appearance: Imagine the thinnest piece of wood in the known universe, so thin that it's slightly transparent.

Would you buy 2?: "Two Oxford Gold's please barkeep!"

Would you buy 4?: "Landlord! I'm drunk! I want four of these bad boys right now!"

Rating: 6****** I'm really enjoying this ale!

Location:Wimbledon

Wye Valley Bitter 3.7%

Taste: Slight volcanic eruption. Sulphuric but not too eggy. Perfect for the outdoors - like a refreshing slap from nature. Enjoyable, refreshing but could it do something more?

Appearance: Amber brown like a lovely 1970s wardrobe.

Would you buy 2? Outdoors? Yes!

Would you buy 4? Stuck in the city? No.

Rating (out of 7): * * * * - a strong 4, mind you.

Kingstone Brewery - 1503 Tudor Ale 4.8%

Taste: Coffee! An almighty taste... I've got a mental image of wood piles, and cows in a field. Wait, is that cow eating chocolate? And that one is smoking a pipe whilst drinking a sweet coffee. All in all delicious coffee/woodsmoke/cow field/ chocolate/peat bog goodness then.

Appearance: Red/brown meltdown. Satisfying light brown ale foam

Would you buy 2? Definitely, I feel a bit Henry VII

Would you buy 4? 4 of these would transport you back to 1503!

Rating (out of 7): * * * * * * - a 6 from the first gulp.

Mayfields - Copper Fox 3.8%

Taste: Has someone rubbed a stilton around the rim of this glass? I love it! Pickled eggs too. This is a ploughmans in ale form, but so subtle. Slipping down so easily, especially in a beer garden!

Appearance: Fox's tail reddish brown

Would you buy 2? Oh yes.

Would you buy 4? Stranger things have happened

Rating (out of 7): * * * * * * - a 6 but only just... the subtle ploughmans cheese vibe has done something to me!

Hopback Brewery - Taiphoon Lemongrass Beer 4.2%

Taste: Light, Fresh and lemony, on account of the Lemongrass, I imagine. I've cooked a Thai massaman curry to drink this with and it really goes well. I have a feeling that it's so light, that unless you were eating with it, you may get bored. It smells good & hoppy but tastes a little like plastic.

Appearance: like the wheat fields of Wiltshire. Label suggests Thailand.

Would you buy 2? Yes with curry. God, I love curry.

Would you buy 4? Why not!? I'm feeling generous today.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** It's a novelty fun-fest! (for a fun-feast!)

Location:Lambourn Rd,Lambeth,United Kingdom

Robinson's - Old Tom 8.5%

Taste: Smokey boot rubber. Oh no, this is not what I bargained for. After the watery mid-section, there's a nice after-pang. What's happening to me?!?! This ale doesn't taste strong enough. I think I'm in the market for something unnaturally thick. Although, why I thought I could trust a cat-based ale in the first place is beyond me. We all know that cats and ale don't mix; Ale's a dog's drink. The label promises port, but I'm tasting fortified wine. That bready aftertaste is good though.


Appearance: Coca-Cola.


Would you buy 2? I don't think so, I've been skirting around it in the supermarket for so many years. I was right to steer clear.


Would you buy 4? To confuse an enemy.


Rating (out of 7): 3*** not bad. Just not good.

Harviestoun - Ola Dubh (16 Special Reserve) 8%

Taste: Smells of whiskey and wood. Tastes like Whiskey and water. Could do with being a bit stronger I think. Or thicker or sweeter. Licorice after party..... Hang on, it's gaining taste points. I think the alcohol is working it's magic. Still it doesn't taste anywhere near as good as Brewdog's whiskey infused Paradox Springbank. I would be better off just smelling this.


Appearance: Like the name suggests. Black Oil. Nice looking bottle too.


Would you buy 2? I don't think I would. I prefer Whiskey and Milk.


Would you buy 4? Not at £5 a bottle. My word! £20 for 2 pints of beer?! In my day it would cost a tuppenny bit. 


Rating (out of 7): 4**** It gains marks for effort and smell.

Marstons - English Pale Ale (EPA) 3.6%

Taste: Water. Hint of haribos, but mostly water. Squashed up cucumbers in a glass. Only not as exciting. Not disgusting - just boring.


Appearance: Sesame seed bap yellow


Would you buy 2? It's so boring and life is short


Would you buy 4? The people on the next table are mental and talking loudly about murder. I need to leave real quick. So that's a no. Never ever.


Rating (out of 7): * * (I have almost forgotten this ale)

Purbeck Brewery - Studland Bay Wrecked 4.5%

Taste: A domino ale. Not a double six. Tastes like a soft shielded fern, native to Dorset. Reminiscent of building dens in the late eighties.

Appearance: mahogany brown. Label suggests drunkenness. Deep devil red.

Would you buy 2? I have. I might again.

Would you buy 4? I don't know. I rather put down a four in dommies.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** okay!

Location:Northcote Rd,Wandsworth,United Kingdom

Sleeman - India Pale Ale 5.2%

Taste: tickly bubble men in your mouth. SO refreshing. Canadians like their ale light! It's freezing. That said, it is a very refreshing drink. It's so cold it's untrustworthy.

Appearance: so bubbly. Maple wood.

Would you buy 2? Yes in a heatwave.

Would you buy 4? Too light for that.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** pleasure beach

Location:Severus Rd,Wandsworth,United Kingdom