Sheffield Brewery Co - Five Rivers 3.8%

Taste: Not unpleasant, but it doesn't make an impact.  Trying hard to detect some flavours... A bit astringent?

Appearance: When it first arrived the pint looked like the turbulence you might get when five rivers meet.  It's settled down now.

Would you buy 2? We've bought three.

Would you buy 4? The only ale available - it's probably going to happen.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** Easy drinking.

Location: Glossop Road, Sheffield

Shepherd Neame - Double Stout 4.0%

Taste: Will the big shepherd ever brew a non shameful ale that is to be sold in Lidl? .... No. It's the same. They've rebadged it you fool! This is to be my last ale in a house I been in for two years. What a way to go.

Appearance: Oil Spill in Ireland.

Would you buy 2? No thanks.

Would you buy 4? If I was really strapped for cash.

Rating (out of 7): 2**

Location:Victoria Rise,London,United Kingdom

Marston's - Oyster Stout 4.5%

Taste: Not bad! Mellow. Perfect follow up to the delicious Black Cod dinner. Don't know if it gets many point for interest. But it's offensometer is really low.

Appearance: Seaside based shellfish bottle. Nice dark beer.

Would you buy 2? Maybe!

Would you buy 4? I'd probably find my hand reaching deftly for the slender neck of another.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** Marstons!?! Who'd have thunk it?!

Location:Victoria Rise,London,United Kingdom

Shepherd Neame - Up And Under Ale 4.0%

Taste: I don't have exceedingly high hopes for this one. It seems that the Shepherd Neame master brewer's choice series are a series of watery ales brewed for honking in Lidl for a pound a bottle.... Familiar homebrewy smell, that is actually winning points here. Tastes like the metal cap. Not entirely unpleasant. But nothing to write home about.

Appearance: Sport based? Come on. Better Rugby than Football according to our stats. But they both rank quite low. Ale looks okay.

Would you buy 2? No! Now the taste of cigarette has hit me.

Would you buy 4? Unlikely.

Rating (out of 7): 2**

Location:Hannington Rd,London,United Kingdom

Thwaites - Tavern Porter 4.7%

Taste: Not bad! Goes very well with a sushi frenzy. Coal and puddles, in a good way. Quite enjoyable.

Appearance: Dark. Upfront label. Well done.

Would you buy 2? I have.

Would you buy 4? Maybe. With sushi.

Rating (out of 7): 4****

Location:Dundonald Rd,London,United Kingdom

Thwaites - Thouroughbred Gold 3.7%

Taste: Biscuit wonderland. Stable boys and Straw. Less hoof more fetlocks. This is not a thoroughbred. Should be training pony.

Appearance: Looks a little uninspiring. Why have they hidden the brewer?! Deciept! Ashamed of your own brewery.

Would you buy 2? We did.

Would you buy 4? "ergh, you stink of horse!"

Rating (out of 7): 3*** okay. I see what you've done here.

Location:Caroline Rd,London,United Kingdom

Shepherd Neame - Dragonfire 4.5%

Taste: Bitter. It's pretty standard. It's tastes like a hearty broth. Not much to say after a whole pint. Not kept to well I feel.

Appearance: Deceitful label. Does that Crook mean Shepherd Neame? No pump percentage.

Would you buy 2? Not today.

Would you buy 4? No thanks.

Rating (out of 7): 3***

Location:Amies St,London,United Kingdom

Williams Bros - March of the Penguins 4.9%

Taste: Tastes like ash. Quite fizzy for a stout. Rain after it dripped off a corrugated iron roof.

Appearance: The exact colour of a penguin flipper. If it has a head, then there is a nice penguiny contrast between the black and white - only one glass has a head though. Nice emperor penguins on bottle.

Would you buy 2? Maybe, I quite like it (because of its name)

Would you buy 4? I'd have to have the endurance of an emperor penguin raising its chicks to do that.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** Excellent name, excellent appearance, let down only by the average taste.

Location: Edale, Derbyshire

Tudor Brewery - Skirrid 4.2%

Taste: Leathery smell. Pretty nice. We've all been silent whilst enjoying it. Cool and relaxing. These leather sofas are helping too. (which might explain the leathery smell?)

Appearance: Brown.

Would you buy 2? Three were bought. A glass of wine and a coke.

Would you buy 4? Maybe on another day. Actually, if I saw it again, I wouldn't hesitate.

Rating (out of 7): 4****

Location:Market Rd,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Visit the kind folk at Skirrid here

Wychwood Brewery - Wychmist 4%

Taste: pot pourri. We drank almost half a pint without even realising. It slips past you like your best years. A taste that fades like memories past.

Appearance: Woozy.

Would you buy 2? Done!

Would you buy 4? I'd forget to.

Rating (out of 7): 4****

Location:Market Rd,,United Kingdom

Marston's - Hallertau Mittelfrau Single Hop 4%

Taste: "Disaapointed face"... I love it on the other hand! Refreshing, cool and tasty. Iceberg Lettuce. Sweet biscuits.

Appearance: like a tremendous visor.

Would you buy 2? We bought three.

Would you buy 4? On a hot day.

Rating (out of 7): 4****

Location:Romilly Pl,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Gower Brewery - Sampson's Jack 4.2%

Taste: Smooth. Pretty refreshing start to the evening. Ice cold. Musty, like old cigar boxes.

Appearance: Red Bush Tea.

Would you buy 2? We have.

Would you buy 4? Perhaps. But not today.

Rating (out of 7): 4****

Location:Market Rd,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Windsor & Eton Brewery - Republika 4.8%

Taste: Mmmm nice. Honey coated straw. Like living in a woodland again. Quite "hutchy". It's a very nice tasting lager. It tastes pure. We thought it might be a mistake to not have it chilled, but we think the flavour's too strong to be chilled down.

Appearance: Whiskey and Water. Shiny bottle. Aztec gold.

Would you buy 2? Why not!? Lager's great for rebooting a lagging ale party.

Would you buy 4? For myself and four friends.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** A rejuvenating drink. One of the best lager's we've had in ages and ages.

Location:Monmouth St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Fallen Angel Micro Brewery - Howlin' Red Ale 6.4%

Taste: oh, it stinks!!! Oh no.... UNdrinkable? Shock!!!! Yucky noises!!! Bloody hell. This is terrible. Sweet homebrew, but not drinkable. Bloody terrible. Who would release this out to the world. It must be a mistake. A bad batch of balsamic vinegar.

Appearance: The dog on the label no way represents the beer within.

Would you buy 2? Never. One was a terrible mistake. First sip gave me cramp.

Would you buy 4? This question is an insult.

Rating (out of 7): ZERO stars. Both have been left. There must rue some mistake. What's happened to this ale??? I can't believe that we waited until after midnight to drink this as the label suggests. Least amount of ale consumed on any review ever..... There must be something wrong here.

Location:Warwick St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

William's Bros Brewing Co. - Róisin 4.2%

Taste: So sweet. Too sweet. Concentrated satsumas and rhubarb. Where's the ale? Tastes like too strong squash.

Appearance: rhubarb juice.

Would you buy 2? Half's enough.

Would you buy 4? Silence. He'd probably buy some rhubarb juice instead.

Rating (out of 7): 1* they've gone too far. Too sweet.

Location:Warwick St,,United Kingdom

William's Bros Brewing Co. - Fraock Heather Ale 5%

Taste: Wooah.... Tastes of purple. Stranded on a hillside forced to eat heather. Coconut strands and sugar coated deceit . How can this be 4000 years old? Gorse flowers. I could drink more. But oh so sweeeet....,

Appearance: danger bird

Would you buy 2? to appeal to a teenager from 4000 years ago....

Would you buy 4? I don't see how I would.

Rating (out of 7): I saw you in my nightmares but I'll see you in my dreams. 3***

Location:Warwick St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

William's Bros Brewing Co. - Good Times 5%

Taste: Holy moly!!! That's intense! WoooooooooOo! Tastes a bit fake. Although it assures me it's natural. It's very sweet.

Appearance: straw. Strange waiter on the bottle.

Would you buy 2? No thanks!

Would you buy 4? Maybe.

Rating (out of 7): 3*** it's got worse. Started good.

Location:Warwick St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Barnsley Beer Company - Barnsley Bitter 3.8%

Taste: the world's most boring ale? Watery and dull. Tastes like a lonesome drink in a pub. Lonesome. So lonesome.

Appearance: Middle of the road.

Would you buy 2? If depressed.

Would you buy 4? That's a big stack of coppers....

Rating (out of 7): 2. There's nothing offensive about it. But is that the problem?

Location:Warwick St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Fallen Angel Microbrewery - Gamekeeper's Bitter 4.5%

Taste: Sweaty coffee cremes. Not even a brand name chocolate. A bit puddly. It's not all the label promises. Things have kicked up a gear now I'm eating food. Tastes much nicer.

Appearance: The strangest label we've ever seen. The poor girl. Was she paid? Those dogs are chunky. The most disturbing but intriguing ale.

Would you buy 2? for the label.

Would you buy 4? Not sure. Might get bored of the label.

Rating (out of 7): 5****** Wipeout!!!

Location:Warwick St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Castle Rock - Elsie Mo 5%

Taste: Rhododendron scent. Marzipan finish. This is nice. Sweet and flowery.

Appearance: Erotic bottle. Tic toc... Sexy.

Would you buy 2? Please!!!

Would you buy 4? Yeahhh!! Sexy.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** pleasurable

Location:Warwick St,Cardiff,United Kingdom

Monteith's Brewing Co. - Doppelbock Winter Ale 6%

Taste: It has a real jammy taste! Robinson's Blackcurrant I believe. Or those little jam tarts that you may have eaten at the beach in the eighties. The red ones. It's charmingly malty, with only a hint of ash.

Appearance: Red ruby brown. Smart bottle.

Would you buy 2? Maybe at Christmas, but I'm riding the sweet British Summer Time (BST).

Would you buy 4? Not sure? To share?

Rating (out of 7): 5***** great stuff from everyone's favourite oceanic island.

Moor Beer Company - Somerland Gold 5%

Taste: Dried fruits, ginger, candy lemon peel

Appearance: Big breasted and big eyed. Like 3 week dried straw

Would you buy 2? I'd buy you two and me two

Would you buy 4? Yes

Rating (out of 7): 6****** distinctive, refreshing, it's shiny it's nice! But you'd only drink it for one night (not sure why)

Location: Jam Circus, Brockley

Dorset Brewing Company - Chesil 4.1%

Taste: Wow, tasty! It tastes stronger than the label suggests. Kind of like a pilsner smashed together with a barley wine. It's perfect for giant bonfires.

Appearance: Named after the beach who's tides have claimed many souls. The bottle features some stones. I'm drinking this from the bottle. So I have nothing to report on the appearance of the beer.

Would you buy 2? We have.

Would you buy 4? I'd buy two again.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** sweet beach-based pleasure juice.

Dark Star Brewing Co. - Festival 5%

Taste: Strong, dead-end taste. Like a bludgeoning weapon. A bat. A beery assault.

Appearance: chestnut dreams.

Would you buy 2? Not tonight. I'm too full.

Would you buy 4? Maybe not. It's strong.

Rating (out of 7): 4**** it's all alright.

Location:Prince Albert St,,United Kingdom

Arundel Brewery - Black Stallion 3.7%

Taste: Nice strong malts! Kind of sweet tasting as well as bitter. Bittersweet? Is this a stout? Porter? Or Dark Mild? Maybe the last.... What an odd review. Oh well. It's delicious.

Appearance: It would be pretty difficult to argue with a label like that. A ghost stallion! The writing reminds me of the clink prison back home. Ale looks spookily black.

Would you buy 2? I would usually. But I'm just having one before leaving.

Would you buy 4? I see no reason why you wouldn't!

Rating (out of 7): 5***** thank goodness for ale!

Location:Prince Albert St,Brighton and Hove,United Kingdom

Oakwell - Barnsley Bitter 3.8%

Taste: Fruit and nut. Furniture polish.

Appearance: Identical in tone to nearby malt vinegar. A tin of golden syrup, but obviously not as thick. Excellent label, with nicely detailed countryside scenery - what is all the red? Tropical flowers?

Would you buy 2? Yes, I sure would.

Would you buy 4? If I had time to leisurely drink four I think I would.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** A pleasant beer to enjoy after a long walk.

Location: Litton, Derbyshire

Brecon Brewing - Genesis 1:ii 5.6%

Taste: Argh, burning rubber, like a tyre hit by a speeding train, which I saw earlier.

Appearance: Horrible sign - a barman posing as a prophet. Why is lightning coming out of his beer? No, it's coming out of his face. Upward rain? I don't like it - it looks like the cover of a new age casette tape, sold by a shop that sells fairy models.

Would you buy 2? I might if I had to.

Would you buy 4? I can't see it happening, my head hurts.

Rating (out of 7): 3*** stout spout.

Location: Oldham Street, Manchester

Robinsons - Enigma 4.3%

Taste: Water. A big disappointment. Not even nicely flavoured water.

Appearance: The label enticed me... I was drinking a delicious ale (White Knight), saw the label and wished I was having an Enigma. Now I'm sorry for my wandering eyes.

Would you buy 2? No, bottled water is cheaper and nicer.

Would you buy 4? No.

Rating (out of 7): 2** Finishing this is a chore.

Location: Oldham Street, Manchester

Goffs - White Knight 4.7%

Taste: Lingering sulphur, volcanology. First you encounter egg, and then a pleasant bitter goodness.

Appearance: When it first arrived it looked egg-yolk orange - a sign of things to come. Well kept Knight - polished armour, tassels and broad sword.

Would you buy 2? Yeah.

Would you buy 4? Ooohhh, I don't know.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** Great for egg lovers

Location: Oldham Street, Manchester

Elgoods - Snake Slayer 4.5%

Taste: Another stouty ale... usual stout flavours but mild and noticeably smooth - as smooth as a mango sorbet, or even a Tetley's Smooth - is that good?

Appearance: Hissing vipers, really angry. Plus a dog running away with a key. Ale looks like fake mahogany.

Would you buy 2? I might do... I wouldn't hate it or cry about it.

Would you buy 4? Unlikely

Rating (out of 7): 3*** Unobjectionable.

Location: Oldham Street, Manchester