Corsendonk - Dubbel 7.5%

Taste: I had a hankering for a Belgian beer, so here we are. I'm mainly tasting those dried raspberries that you you get in Country Crisp cereal. Or raspberry blancmange. I'd prefer if it tasted stronger. It's a bit of a wet blanket; hard to lift but not very tasty. It's pretty interesting, but I'm sticking with the blancmange description...

Appearance: Mysterious bottle is hard to read, and I'm not sure I got the name right on this post. Beer is dark.

Would You Buy 2? I might not. I wouldn't be sad if I had already purchased two, however.

Would You Buy 4? no chance. That's crazy talk.

Rating (Out of 7): 4**** tiny dehydrated raspberries.

The Kernel Brewery - IPA Columbus Summit 6.8%

Taste: Nectar. Too good for words. The Kiwi's have a lot to answer for. The first sip quickly descended into a discussion about UK high gravity beer tax and the ignorance of UK government officials and their perception of the ale drinking market. To the bureaucrats down at city hall a special brew tramp and an ale connoisseur are the same thing on paper.

Appearance: It's cloudy, forgivably, and golden. Sample, but in a nice way.

Would you buy 2? Yup. It's a good-time beer.

Would you buy 4? Yes. But I would need it in writing that I Would be "taken care of" after I have drunk them. These are a strict mistress.... Did you know Beyonce just had a baby?

Rating (out of 7): 6****** As sweet as a trip to the Rotorua Agrodome. Where you might see the best sheep pyramid on earth and where I received a certificate of 'udderance' for milking a cow on stage.

Windsor & Eton Brewey - Conqueror 1075 Black IPA 7.4%

Taste: This beer is set nine years after whatever William the Conquerer did at the battle of Hastings. Perhaps the sequel to those events. Oh god... I love ale, It's so stouty. F**k! It's bloody. Like a battle... It's giving me a feeling of Euphoria because I haven't drunk ale since Christmas and I've been reading Game of Thrones. Tastes like all my favorite things; Marmite, Whiskey, Licorice and Cigars.

Appearance: It's got Facebook and Twitter icons on it. It's a vain attempt to drag a medieval ale into the twenty-first century. The label actually lowers my expectations... Quite eighties. Noughties taste.

Would you buy 2? Yeah. But I didn't buy the first one. The person typing this review bought it for me.

Would you buy 4? No. Too stouty... You can't drinks four of these.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** Best served after a whole block of blue cheese, a whole bottle of Port, a bowl of Peanut M&M's.

Magic Rock Brewing Co. - High Wire 5.5%

Taste: Hop smack! Right in my face. Some kind of fruitiness there too. It feels creamy in my mouth, but I'm tasting and reviewing a rich pasta sauce at the same time as this. This is pretty wild stuff.

Appearance: Bright eyes, burning like fire. Candylion bottle.

Would you buy 2? Yes. I'd have two. Life's to short not to.

Would you buy 4? Although I want four, clearly. As a man who lives in a house. I can clearly see that the grapefruit build-up in your body would start to reach dangerous levels. So let's leave it.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** progressive beer. More magic from the rock.

Mikkeller - Beer Hop Breakfast 7.5%

Taste: It's way dense.... Massy. It folds into your mouth. It's like slime or big goo. It won't go down. I physically have to suck. Smokey! It's like a bonfire being stamped out by teens. Metallic too, like girders. I. Ron. Butterfly. Hoppy and dry too.

Appearance: Black holes. Mysterious bottle.

Would you buy 2? Yes. But I wouldn't know where from. Oh, the beer boutique in Putney apparently.

Would you buy 4? Over time. Four in a row and you'd 'become' gravity. Eventually pushed down into a big thick paste.

Rating (out of 7): 5***** in hind-sight I don't think I would be able I take two in succession.

Location:Penwith Rd,London,United Kingdom

Ascot Ales - Posh Pooch 4.2%

Taste: Fruity rainwater with floating hop flowers. Very refreshing. It went well with our celebratory Chinese New Year meal. Lemon peel lips.

Appearance: on the orange side of brown. The pooch doesn't look so posh. They should have drawn on a scarf and pipe.

Would You Buy 2? I think I could, you know. It may not be the most interesting taste. But it is very easy going.

Would You Buy 4? Why not!? I'm feeling relaxed.

Rating (Out of 7): 4**** almost a five.

Location:Clapham, London

Otter Brewery - Otter Head (5.8%)

Taste: Furry on the tongue, a big hit of iron. Like licking a rusty steam engine. Or maybe the taste of oxygen rich blood. You've cut your lip after licking a traction engine at the New Forest fair and your trying to rinse your mouth with ale and fermenting grass. That's the only way to describe the taste. Complex and good!

Appearance: Everyone likes otters. The ale is a solid reliable brown. Reassuring.

Would you buy 2? To feel rustic, yes I would.

Would you buy 4? With a friend, I'd buy four. Drinking more would be tough but rewarding.

Rating (out of 7): * * * * * Not to everyone's taste maybe, but it's an eventful ale

Arkells - Bees Organic Ale (4.5%)

Taste: A touch bland and then a gone off pickled egg slaps the roof of your mouth. Uurrrggh. Distinctly unpleasant aftertaste. Where's the honey? Why do ales with bee based labels always seem so enticing? This is a disappointment. Hang on, it is improving... Not by much though.

Appearance: Ale is the colour of lager and blood mixed together. A sort of orange.

Would you buy 2? I'd rather not.

Would you buy 4? Not on the agenda. It's not even subject to status.

Rating (out of 7): * * ( maybe harsh, but the blandness is it's downfall.)

Newby-Wyke Brewey - White Squall 4.8%

Taste: The professional staff of the Bournemouth Weatherspoon have kindly given us half a pint of free line cleaner in our beer. That, or this is one tangy, insides-cleansing gulp! Bread and butter and pine cones.
Appearance: Sample. Not good. Nice pump art though. Nautical.

Would you buy 2? We accidentally did. Never again.

Would you buy 4? My motor functions are shutting down....

Rating (out of 7): 2** just awful.

Location:Christchurch Rd,West Parley,United Kingdom

Monteith's - Black beer (5.2%)

Taste: Ooooh, smokey metal action. Tastes of cigars and a fine ham, mixed well with a slight bitter fizz. Aftertaste is all about the charcoal.

Appearance: Actually, a very very dark red. Pretty much black.

Would you buy 2? Yes. Yes I would.

Would you buy 4? Are you under an umbrella in the rain? If yes, buy four! Is the sun out? Think again.

Rating (out of 7): * * * * * (a fine New Zealand ale!)

Ascot Ales - Alligator Ale 4.6%

Taste: Whoa! Smells good, but the first taste is that of swallowing salty water with a dose of sand. Let's see how this pans out... It's hoppy, bitter. Best suited to sitting on a picnic table in a pub garden.

Appearance: Orangeade. The sleazy alligator on the bottle sealed the deal when choosing this one.

Would You Buy 2? It has a warming aftertaste. In turn, I am warming to the ale. I'd buy two.

Would You Buy 4? It's grown on me in a matter of minutes. I reminds me of butter for some reason. This is pretty good! Four please!

Rating (Out of 7): 5***** what a confusing beer. It's smacked me upside the head.

Location:Clapham

Brewdog - Trashy Blonde 4.1%

Taste: I was worried by the smell, but actually, the first sip is much better than I imagined. The fruitiness from the smell stays there, but there's a hint of sweetness to the beer still. It's actually reminiscent of Orangeboom, the student lager of choice. But in a good way.

Appearance: The first Brewdog bottle that isn't insulting. Well done. Beer is blonde.

Would You Buy 2? I'm not so sure. The metallic taste is coming to get me.

Would You Buy 4? No chance. Hang on... Maybe as a round for four friends or well-wishers.

Rating (Out of 7): 4**** it's a good time beer. But the time being had, is a little boring.

Location:Goodenough Rd,London,United Kingdom

Jennings - Soggy Bottom 3.8%

Taste: Taste buds too cold to work maybe. Or is it actually just quite bland and tasteless?

Appearance: Calamitous, but also shiny, and pleased as punch.

Would you buy 2? No, the temptation of finding another pub with better beer is too strong.

Would you buy 4? Not today, I'm hoping for something more delicious.

Rating (out of 7): 3*** Disappointingly average.

Location: Chapel-en-le-Frith, Derbyshire

Brewster's - Porter 5.5%

Taste: Sweet molasses! Treacle flavours aplenty yet drinkable as a delicious milkshake.

Appearance: Brewed by a No-Tail. I wonder if all of Brewster's are? Good idea. Bottle is sexy and beer looks like a cubra libre.

Would you buy 2? I would. If I could find another bottle.

Would you buy 4? Yes please. This is pretty nice!

Rating (out of 7): 5***** this is swell stuff! No-Tails rule okay.

Location:Clapham, London